it’s all coming out. right now.

i love my life right now.
my life with her.
as i put my little girl down for a nap, i realized how sweet it really is.

i rocked her on my chest in the cushy rocking chair as her eyelids became heavy. when i felt her slow down on her beloved pacifier, i laid her down in her crib. she roused a bit so i stood there, ever so lightly rubbing soft circles over her back watching her eyelashes to see when she was out. and just like that, she was asleep.
as i stood over her, patting her tiny striped onesie, i realized that it won’t seem like long before i cannot do this anymore. there will come a day when i can no longer rock her to sleep on my chest, when i can no longer get her to go to sleep so easily, so sweetly.
i know, for i have heard, that she will grow up fast. i am already looking at her, thinking “wow, you are so big!” but i know that is nothing compared to how big she will be.

being a mom is so much better than i thought it would be. when people ask me how things are going with her or how it is being a parent, that has become my response.
it is so much better than i ever thought it would be. it is worth repeating.

sometimes the first thought in my mind when i see her rub her tired little eyes is, “oh, good. i can finish a few posts for the blog, unload the dishwasher, put the sheets in the washer, make myself a snack, change the oil in my car…”  wait. ::shakes head::
i kick myself. i LOVE being with her. i love being her world. i love when she is awake, smiling at me like i am the best thing. like i am the cat’s pajamas. (ok, i just wanted to say the cat’s pajamas. does anyone actually know what it means, anyways!?) 
yes, i AM glad to have a few moments to myself, but they aren’t nearly as sweet as the moments i have with her. i adore the fact that i get to hang out with her every day, all day.

oh, sweet serendipity… wasting my time by dave matthews is on her playlist, playing right now in her room. it is actually one of me and geoff’s songs. and it perfectly explains what i feel for him. and for her. if i must be “wasting” my time, i want to do it with them.

i still want to go back to work. and the blessing is i have my own business, so i can go back when i want, and in the capacity i want. i have started to do a few small projects, which has been nice to get out and get my fix (i’ve said it before, i love my job). but the second those meetings are over, i am so excited to get back to my little buddy.

she is such a joyful baby, she makes me more joyful. 
the way she looks at things, experiencing them for the first time, makes me notice things better, with more wonder.
i appreciate sleep more. i appreciate food because i know it will nourish her.
i want to be everything to this little life (well, i’ll share “everything” with her daddy). i want to raise her to be good. to be honest. to have a compassionate heart. to have a grateful heart. to be loving. to be kind.
it makes my stomach jump thinking i AM the one (again with geoff) that gets to do all this. WE get to watch her grow up. WE get to watch her become the woman god has created her to be. and HE wanted us to be a part of that. a part of her entire life.
i am so humbled every day by that. and by her.
i pray that i am the mother she needs. the mother that i was created to be.
and as i lay her down for a rest everyday and to sleep each night, i want to take joy in it. in that moment. and be eagerly anticipating the moment she wakes up and i get to see her bright blue eyes and precious smile again.

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2 Responses to it’s all coming out. right now.

  1. dad says:

    Never fear, Little Bit, I can still rock MY little girl to sleep, maybe not on my chest, but under my arm on the couch, and that will never not be true….

  2. Shelly says:

    so sweet lindsay, well said. i agree…a true mother’s heart!
    makes me want to go snuggle my little guy right now.
    i think about that EVERY day with him. knowing that soon he won’t let me do that anymore and who will I hold?! crazy. that’s why women are gaga when they have grandbabies 🙂

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